I initially came here with the intention of posting about the wonderful mother's day I had with my mom and my hubby. Instead, I am compelled to write about something else, something that's been percolating in my mind for the past week.

Now is the only time I can write about it, lay it down in black and white, an experiment of sorts. You see, my workplace is rife with rumors of a major layoff, not the usual one that just gets rid of riff-raff but the kind that impacts all departments, where you lose valuable, hard-working employees, the effect of which will have those left behind reeling for weeks.

I have hinted a couple of times in this blog that I no longer am happy with my job. The truth is, I would like to get laid off so I can go look for another job I will enjoy with the severance package and unemployment temporarily alleviating the stress. I am too comfortable with my current job that I haven't made efforts to look for other employment - I was hoping that something will happen to force me to do so. I'm too chicken to quit my job without another option, yet the cushiness of my current job stops me from looking for other options (What if I make a horrendous mistake? What if I don't adjust well with a new job? What if I hate my new boss?) I now realize the mistake of staying too long in one company, especially in these times where employees no longer work for a single employer all their lives. I have become less marketable such that I have lost faith in my own abilities.

Although my boss and I have a great relationship, and she sometimes asks my opinion on business decisions (like whom I will let go of if I were the CIO, believe it or not), I dare not tell her frankly how I feel now. [To those who know my boss - please don't tell her!] I'm afraid that if I volunteer for a layoff, she will not accept it and just gradually strip me of my responsibilities until other people can do all of my work functions. The farthest I'll go is drop hints, because I am such a coward. Which brings me back to hoping for something to happen that's beyond my control.

Well, that something seems to be in the horizon. I've heard from the grapevine that the layoffs will occur this week. After this week, one of four things will happen:
1. I get laid off, and become so happy that I can now pursue other interests (not likely)
2. I get laid off, and feel horrible, unwanted and dejected but will realize [a long, long time from now] that it was all for the best (more than likely)
3. I don't get laid off, and go on being unhappy but still grateful that I have a job (high probability)
4. No one gets laid off (hey, one can dream)

You wouldn't guess what I'm praying for. (Hint: it's not an even number, and it's greater than 1).

Vangie Fuhrman got cold on 5.08.2005 10:51 PM. |