I just met you last Thursday. Even before I saw your two beautiful pink lines, I knew you already. Still, I decided to savor our own intimate moment together before I called your dad to introduce him to you. He was delighted. I was ecstatic. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

In an instant you changed my life. I was so happy to be with you every single moment. I became giddy, patient, more loving and understanding. I would wake up smiling at the thought of spending the day with you, and then letting your dad join our happy circle by snuggling up to him. I did everything that I thought was best for you. I bought the book that talks about how to take good care of you. I read it day and night, sometimes through the night — because I can't sleep from all this excitement over you! Your dad and I went shopping for veggies (yuk!), fruits and all other nutritious stuff for you. I gave up coffee right away (oh, this alone should tell you how important you are to me!).

Last Sunday, we went to mass and your dad and I thanked God profusely for giving you to us. In the afternoon I sensed that there was something wrong with you. Oh how I wished you could tell me what it is. Since I learned about your habits and all the possible things you are going through, I just let you be and hoped for the best. We watched the Superbowl with your dad at Dave and Karen's. I was so tempted to talk about you with Karen, since she's a nurse and would be full of advice for me to take better care of you. But your dad and I made a pact to keep you to ourselves for now, since you are so young and delicate. Even though my Pats were winning, my mind wasn't on the game or on the big-budget commercials, all I could think of was you and I was praying that everything was alright.

After the game, we stayed on to watch The Forgotten. It was a very interesting movie, about a mom who never forgot her son after he disappeared even though everyone else has. I silently reassured you, I will never forget you, no matter how long or short you decide to stay with us.

Yesterday, things definitely weren't right. I called for an appointment with the doctor to help me help you but she can only see me the following day. All throughout the day, you were giving me signs that you wouldn't be with us for long. I ignored them, going about my work and trying to make everything as normal as possible. In the evening, you were saying goodbye more loudly, so loud that I cannot keep on discounting it. My heart broke at the thought of losing you, when I've already fallen in love with you so deeply. Your dad tried to console me, saying clichés like "It's for the best" or "It isn't meant to be". Although I knew all these to be true, they didn't diminish my anguish in the least bit. I cried myself to sleep.

This morning, for the first time, I saw you, not as two beautiful pink lines but as a part of me. Strangely, seeing you gave me a sense of calm, not the despair I expected. Even though you said goodbye, you filled my heart with so much love that I don't feel sadness anymore. As the doctor showed me your home for the last five weeks that is now empty, I clutched your father's hand as I finally said goodbye to you.

I will never forget you, my sweet baby.

Vangie Fuhrman got cold on 2.08.2005 7:53 PM. |