Who am I?

S vintage star
S filipina now living in california
S obsessive-compulsive... make that compulsive-obsessive... no, obsessive-compulsive
S cold all the time (literally)

current terror alert level
Terror Alert Level

Why is Life Cold?

i actually have a very happy life. i just saw this graphic one day and got an inspiration for another blog. why not write about the stuff that makes life cold? from the huge, catastrophic, life-altering events to the seemingly trivial, little incidents that rub you the wrong way. it doesn't have to be a personal experience, it can be something observed.

on writing these down, my intent is to learn to appreciate life more and have a better handle on things when life throws you a curve ball. i want whoever will read this to contemplate, not get depressed. hopefully, you'll share with me your experiences as well so we can learn from each other.

p.s. it doesn't always have to be cold

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Where I Go When I Feel Life Getting Cold

S Memento
S Jo's Forum
S Shai Coggins
S pinayexpat
S joyceline
S piehole (a very funny girl)
S Din's World
S pinayhekmi chronicles
S Linnor
S Tin
S kwentong tambay
S deja brew
S denden
S mushings
S Junkville (never fails)


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The Wrong Identity

Hubby and I were watching The Bourne Identity a couple of nights ago.

"I don't like Matt Damon, he reminds me of <--insert ex-boyfriend #2 here-->," I blurted out.

"Oh?" he asked. "Who do I remind you of?"

"Rodney Dangerfield."

You would think that would start another mutiny in the family (and this time, I would've admitted "mea culpa!"). But no, he just let it go. At first I thought he didn't hear, and I had the dilemna of saying it was a joke (which it obviously was) or just saying nothing. Wanting to keep the peace, I said nothing.

Later that night, as we were getting ready for bed, he says "Rodney Dangerfield eh?" and starts tickling me until I cried "uncle!". That's one of the things I love about my husband. He's funny, but in an unpredictable way (unlike Rodney and his one-liners).

It's true though, that Matt Damon reminded me of eb#2. Although eb#2 is Filipino, they have similar boyish features. They're also both from New England. I think the capper was when, after we've broken up (er, he dumped me), eb#2's dad told me that I should go see "Good Will Hunting" because it was the story of his son and me.

Of course I went and saw the movie. It was flattering because Matt really loved Minnie in it, but just decided they don't belong together. I'd like to think that it was the same for eb#2.

Breaking up with eb#2 was probably the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. It was first time I felt my heart hurting - physically! I find it funny now but I remember being surprised with that and keeping the phone close to me in case I got a heart attack and needed to call 911. It was a very long and arduous breakup, consisting of the following steps in a span of several months:
1. I decide we're not meant to be, so I tell him it's over
2. I realize how much I loved him, so I get back together with him
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 twice
4. Him getting tired of all this and shutting me out of his life

So yeah, I deserved to be dumped. I never doubted that he loved me, but I hurt him so many times that I could've sworn he wrote Maroon 5's "This Love." And I never doubted that I loved him. I didn't at first. In fact, we were friends for over fifteen years before I did (yes, since we were this small).

When I moved to California, he flew in from the East Coast to help me get settled. Since I was alone and really, really scared, I was so grateful for this and thanked my lucky stars. He helped me get a place, buy a car, open a bank account, shop for furnishing... you get the picture. One night, he told me he was falling in love with me. My response to this was disgust, because I was in a long-term relationship with one of his friends. I threw him out of my place (yes, the place he helped me get) in the middle of the night. That didn't stop him though. After he flew back home he started sending me a card every other day. And he didn't stop.

I knew this was trouble. Looking back now, I realize that I don't fall in love at first sight but tend to fall for someone who relentlessly proclaims his love for me. All my long-term relationships (which you can count with one hand, without even using the pinky and thumb!) follow this formula: guy I've been friends with for a long time says he likes me, me feeling weird and avoiding the guy, guy persists, me falling for the guy... hard.

So I started falling for eb#2, and I ended my 11-year relationship. Since this 11-year relationship was my first, I started to panic. Having been with someone for 11 years, I have lost my independence and have always thought I will be with this person forever. I just couldn't picure my life without him! So I told eb#2 I can't be with him and then got back together with my first boyfriend. I then found myself thinking of eb#2 all the time, so I broke it off again with first boyfriend and went back to eb#2, and so on and so forth.

I used to attribute all this to youth and naivete, but now I accept that it was sheer stupidity. All I cared about was how I felt, now how others felt. Because of this stupidity, I went through my darkest and coldest phase. However, if not for that darkness and coldness, these steps wouldn't have happened:
1. my husband, who was already a long-time friend of mine, comforts me and tries to cheer me up
2. he falls for me
3. i feel weird and avoid him
4. he persists
5. i fall... hard

Now, I'm older and wiser and happily married. I love that my husband keeps telling me to take him for granted, implying that he will always be with me. On my part, I am certain that I will always be with him as well. That makes me feel warm.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Vangie Fuhrman got cold on 8.11.2004 11:13 PM. |

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